butchisnotadirtyword

There was a time, briefly–years ago, that I wanted to have top surgery so the world would look at me differently. Now I don’t give a flying fuck how I am perceived, I just want to do what makes the most medical sense. I know now that butch sexuality and sensuality is expansive, and that I can rock whatever chest I end up having. And when I think about playing tennis eventually with no tits, no bra, no inhibitions, I feel a smile come on. Whatever choice I have to make, I know I’ll keep loving my body, and especially my butch chest.

I never thought I would align myself with the word “butch” but over the last few years I’ve leaned into it more. I often call myself a “boy dyke” – I see that phrase as encompassing my relationship with boyishness and transmasculinity as well as my life as a dyke. As a kid, I knew I wasn’t the kind of butch white woman I’d see scantly depicted in media. Over time though, I learned about the history of the phrase butch which has its roots in Black lesbian and working-class history. I found it to be more radical of a term than I had first thought.

Growing up Catholic and in Puerto Rico, I internalized all the misogyny, butchphobia and lesbophobia that surrounded me for many years. I was so ashamed of myself because I was unable to act or look like a “normal” woman. I hated myself for not being born a man. For years I tried to destroy these parts of me, which led to a lot of self-destructive actions and identity issues. Later, when I began to make peace with my butchness, many women I dated or went out with would expect me to act like a man or treated me like one - which wasn’t healthy either.

Talking about the specific kind of lesbophobia that butch4butches experience is nothing new to me. When I had an itty bitty platform many moons ago on Instagram, the rigid binary thinking of queer scenes was never safe from my scrutiny. It wasn’t uncommon for me to write long scathing rants..and it was wild, the amount of butches from across the world, literally, that felt these things and related to them; felt those distinct, specific pointed judgements from their queer communities, big or small for being attracted to other butches.

As a relationship anarchist, all the people I choose to be close to (that includes my relationships with friends and family) are most important to me. Relationship anarchy is creating the structure of your relationships based on the needs of each person involved, not on the constructs set by society. This means each relationship will be unique and each will be as valid and important as the others. I don't subscribe to the notion of the relationship escalator, and cherish friends and lovers and friends that are lovers and lovers that are friends....

I think about my past romantic relationships in which some of the women I dated overlooked my masculinity or never really revered it. It took time for me to settle into to myself, comments like “really…your not a man, stop trying.”  It was those significant memories, that taught me that if someone can’t acknowledge the whole me then we are just not a good fit. I recognized my worth and to be grateful for what I have now, respect for myself and a dope ass wife....